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Hello everyone. Hello. Hello. Thank you. Um, I hope everyone is digesting their salads well. Um, I know I am actually tonight, um, this is actually the first wedding I’ve ever been to. So naturally I consulted my lifelong friend and fae the internet, um, in order to give me some criteria. So wedding words.us really pulled through for me. . So here it goes.
• 0:32 – 0:42
Step one, start your speech with a simple yet direct introduction. Hi, I’m Claire. I’m Kelsey’s little sister. I’m 25 years old and I have IBS.
• 0:43 – 0:43
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Thank you. Step two, remember that this isn’t about you. See, that is one of the many things that are hard for me to digest because when you think about it, this union is absolutely about me.
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Before Corey entered my life, I did not have access to 24 7 iced coffee, which she keeps in the fridge at all times, and from which I benefit greatly. . Before Corey, Kelsey had her ups and downs, but now she’s pretty much constantly happy. Do you know what that does for my mental health? To have an older sister who is constantly happy, significantly lowered rates of verbal abuse in the household.
• 1:26 – 1:26
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Before Corey, Kelsey was dating scrubs like Aiden, who spells his name, a o d h a n. Corey spells his name like a normal person, and as a fellow normal person, I can appreciate that. Step three, don’t talk about Xes.
• 1:52 – 1:52
Oops.
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Step four, talk about the bride. When I first saw Kelsey take the stage, it was a singing competition, and she was performing born to entertain, looking like a Disney princess and a sequin top hat, sequin, leotard, tights, top shoes, the holy grail. In my six year old eyes, when the music began, her hips started moving. I couldn’t believe what I was witnessing. And a miserable middle school auditorium full of tired stage moms and kids who couldn’t sit still. My big sister was having fun all by herself.
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She, she had a spark and she could manufacture it all on her own with nobody’s permission, and I wanted to be just like her. As the years went by, I’m about to get serious warning. As the years went by, Kelsey’s spark grew and my, my admiration for her grew along with it. Okay? I always followed in Kelsey’s footsteps, dipping my toe in every pond along the way, and feeling safe in the knowledge that she tested the water for me. First, Kelsey played basketball, so I played basketball. Kelsey did musicals, so I did musicals.
• 2:57 – 3:26
Kelsey did cotillion, so, oh, actually I got out of that one. . Thank God. No. No. More importantly though, Kelsey forged the way in pushing our parents. It’s pushing the limits of our parents’ sanity. My parents ran a pretty tight ship, uh, all girls school for seven years. No parties, uh, door opened when a boy is over, et cetera. But on the night of Kelsey’s senior prom, my eyes were opened.
• 3:27 – 3:27
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Naturally prom after party was out of the question. Proctor party, uh, for poor Kelsey, but she did manage to pull it off by claiming she was stuck in traffic for three full hours.
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Eventually my parents smart as they are connected, the dots when she came home and spent the rest of the night hanging over the toilet,.
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Her boyfriend Mikey sat downstairs telling us how ugly Kelsey looked when she threw up. But Kelsey, I thought you never looked more beautiful that night. , at the time, I didn’t quite understand, but she was introducing me to a new art form, The art of lying to our parents.
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Thank you, Kelsey. You walked so I could run.
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Thank you.
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As I’ve gotten older, I realized Kelsey didn’t have it always figured out. Um, she didn’t always know it was serious again, where her footsteps were gonna take her, but this realization has only made her stronger and braver in my eyes. She forges ahead with all, always knowing where she’s gonna land, because she’s someone you wanna follow because you know she was born with some sort of innate treasure map. And you know, she’s yelped all the best taco spots to hit along the way. When Kelsey shows you love, it hits different. Yeah, She’s not afraid to get into excruciating detail about her own insecurities and her own struggles, and it makes you feel a little bit less burdened by your own.
• 5:06 – 5:37
She’s like my metaphorical flight attendant warning me that there might be some slight turbulence along the way, but it’s all good. Own it. It’s all part of the journey. Step five, breathe some life into your speech with some inspirational quotes. I’m a savage. Yeah. Classy, bougie, ratchet. Yeah, Sassy, moody, nasty. Hey, hey. Yeah, Acting stupid. What’s happening, bitch? Whoa, whoa. What’s happening? That’s from Megan, The Stallion, One of Kelsey’s favorite.
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Um, another great quote I love is from American author, Bell Hooks. The word love is often defined as a noun, but we would all be better if we used the word love as a verb, which leads me into step six. Talk about the couple. As much as I hate to let wedding words.us down, I’m not in the business of following rules. So I’d like to take this moment to give Corey Jacobi some airtime. Uh, after months of after months quarantined with Corey, I’ve studied this human with the precision of the David Attenborough documentary, and I can say with full confidence that he embodies the verb of loving.
• 6:21 – 6:23
When I first met Corey, I was kind of confused.
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Not gonna lie, I thought to myself, There’s literally no way that someone can be this selfless and kind without having an ulterior motive. Turns out there is no ulterior motive with Corey. He’s just a good person.
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Okay. Still watching you.
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Throughout 2020, while the world was ravaged by a pandemic, the Boston family household faced a virus of its own. The love of Corey Jacobi, Oh God, it’s inescapable, it’s contagious. It doesn’t discriminate. It started small. He’d mediate an argument or two, he’d fix a light bulb, he’d make some breakfast tacos, but it grew in ferocity in size quickly. Corey believes in the innate goodness of people, and I’ll never stop trying to emulate him.
• 7:23 – 7:32
Thank you, Kelsey, for bringing this wonderful person into our lives and for sharing him with us. Corey, you are the bonus baby. Our family never knew we needed.
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And most importantly, thank you for teaming up almost every night to create unnecessarily elaborate dinners for family, for family dinners, family meals. When two foodies come together in love, it’s a win-win for everyone. , and it’s hotter than Awan Pepper. I didn’t know if I was gonna put that in, but I just did. . Um, in many ways, Corey and Kelsey are similar people. They’re both focused and driven. They’re both enthusiastic about the finer things in life. They’re both fiercely loyal to the people they love the most.
• 8:07 – 8:23
Um, but they also challenge each other. Duh. They push each other. They’re both not afraid to call each other out when necessary. Kelsey, you are your most compassionate, loving, positive, and silly self around Corey. Truly. Corey, I didn’t know you before Kelsey, so I, I don’t know if you’ve improved.
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Hopefully you have. I don’t know. Can’t speak to that. All I know is a room with Corey and Kelsey in it is a room I wanna be in, so I’m pretty happy right now.
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Step seven, end with a callback. That is not too cliche, Kelsey. You can manufacture your own spark all on your own, but with, with Corey, by your side, you’re a wildfire. Congratulations to you both, but most importantly, congratulations to me.
• 9:07 – 9:07
Thank You guys.
